A few months ago, I discovered a TV series called The Pitt. It is a medical drama from the inside of a Pittsburgh hospital, where healthcare professionals balance personal struggles, hospital politics, and the emotional weight of caring for the critically ill—revealing the grit, heart, and resilience behind their life-saving work. There was a scene in one of the episodes where the main character Dr. Robby is attempting to provide comfort to a sister and brother who are needing to say goodbye to their dying father.
Not religious, Dr. Robby shares with them the Hawaiian ritual called Ho’oponopono, in which a person can say four simple things to a loved one that is dying or has died which are: “Thank you. I forgive you. I forgive you. And please forgive me.”
How to Say Goodbye to a Loved One
After watching the scene from this gripping episode, I immediately became overwhelmed with emotion and wanted to say those four simple things to my mother.
In honor of mother’s day, I am going to share with you what I said to her and I want to encourage you if your mother has passed, to do the same.
“Mom, I love you in case you didn’t know. Thank you for being my mom. I forgive you for not knowing how valuable you were. And I ask that you please forgive me for getting mad at you for not knowing your value, when I can think of times in my life when I didn’t know mine. And I will add that I wish that I could have gotten to know you and that you would have had a chance to know me. Happy Mother’s Day!”
The message to my mom was another step in my healing journey following the tragic death of my mother when I was 13. Yes, 13. You may be wondering if it is normal to still experience grief and loss many years later after a death. The answer is yes.
“Grief is a continuous process that ebbs and flows much like water in the ocean, sometimes it flows in like a small ripple, other times it crashes in like a large tide.”
When it flows in like a small ripple, you may feel sad just for a brief moment such as when you miss the presence of your deceased loved one, during a special life event or significant milestone. When it crashes in like a large tide, you may feel depressed, emotionally overwhelmed or even numb, such as when you have been triggered by another traumatic event, or suffered another significant loss.
The key to healing is to understand when you need additional support to deal with whatever emotions you are experiencing and to seek help immediately. I have found personally and professionally that the journey of grief and loss is an experience that should not be traveled alone.
“Sharing your feelings with trusted friends and family when grief flows in like a small ripple, and seeking the help of a mental health professional when grief crashes in like a large tide, is the best gift of love and compassion that you can give yourself.”
I have personally healed enough to replace my own sorrow with gratitude. Thankful that my mother brought me into this world and thankful that I have the honor and privilege to be a mother to my two sons and a supporter to those that I have counseled, currently counsel and will counsel through their own grief and loss journeys.
Are you Struggling to Say Goodbye to a Loved One?
If you are struggling to say goodbye to your mother or a special loved one, either because the person has passed on or because a relationship has ended, know that your emotions are important and you are not alone. You may be experiencing sadness, guilt, shock and denial, anger, numbness or unreality and even relief. Whatever emotion you are feeling, know that you can heal and grow through your grief.
If you need mental health support for grief and loss or any other mental health issue, please do not hesitate to contact me.